The "Margarita" cocktail that makes Spain's top military commanders invisible

It's non-stop. The intelligence services of half the world are going head over heels. They are trying to obtain the formula for a new variant of the famous Margarita cocktail which, when applied in the field of Defence, makes the high commanders of the Armed Forces invisible... but only the Spanish ones.  

Intelligence agents and analysts from the secret services of the United States, China, Russia, the United Kingdom, Germany, France, Italy, Morocco, Algeria and a host of other countries are looking for any clue that might lead them to the mysterious formula of the new Margarita cocktail. It is known to contain tequila, triple sec and lime juice, but the ingredient that makes it invisible is kept under lock and key. 

Spies based in Spain know that, year after year, a few drops of Margarita with the right dosage make admirals and generals invisible, especially those close to the top of the personnel pyramids of the Spanish army and navy. 

It has been noted that in addition to making human beings intangible and impalpable, Margarita's greatest side-effect is that she neutralises and prevents the ability to speak and dialogue with Spanish society. Another symptom is that it sometimes produces the Don Tancredo syndrome, which consists of remaining unperturbed, immobile and smiling slightly. 

There are indications that invisibility and some of the secondary consequences may be affecting the Chief of Defence Staff (JEMAD), Admiral Teodoro López Calderón, the most senior military officer in the Spanish Armed Forces. In the same case is the Chief of the Army General Staff (JEME), General Amador Enseñat. In both senior officers, the first symptoms appeared shortly after taking up their posts and taking a sip of Margarita. 

Margarita includes loss of speech 

Also invisible and mute is the Chief of the Naval Chief of Staff (AJEMA), Admiral Antonio Piñeiro, and the Chief of the Air and Space Chief of Staff (JEMA), General Javier Salto. The same pernicious consequences were suffered by the predecessors of the four aforementioned high-ranking chiefs after consciously or unconsciously drinking a little Margarita.  

The truth is that for many years - but many, many years - Spain's top military chiefs have been incorporeal and translucent beings. Their presence is sometimes intuited and, on very rare occasions, their faces appear marginally, by chance, on television screens or in photographs reproduced by some absent-minded media outlet.  

For many years now, the effects of Margarita have meant that the nation's highest military authorities, with the exception of the JEMAD, cannot be seen or heard in the Defence Committees of the Congress or the Senate. Occasionally they appear only glancingly in the news, reports and programmes of any official or private television channel. The few who are familiar with them, distinguish them in the background. 

For the vast majority of Spaniards, the faces of Admirals López Calderón and Piñeiro, like those of Generals Enseñat and Salto, are a real mystery. Invisible, hieratic and mute from savouring the Margarita, national, regional, provincial or local newspapers do not remember them and, therefore, do not report their professional views, for example, on their responsibilities, problems, realities, the importance of deterrence....  

Of course, their words do not resonate even by chance on any of the big radio stations, not even on the humblest ones. On rare occasions, when the mysterious new Margarita concoction has diminished its effects in blood and their bodies are transmuted, they are seen and heard in some military ceremony. But just enough. 

Potions that diminish Margarita's effects for a limited time only 

Some readers may wonder, are they physically malformed, do they not speak because they stammer, do they stammer when they say three or four words in a row, or do they not know what it's all about? No, far from it. Quite the contrary. They occupy their posts because their intelligence and capacity for work has been more than demonstrated, they have proven themselves on numerous occasions and they know what it means to communicate.  

So what's going on? They have been invited to drink and savour the Margarita cocktail, which is fresh, is a good combination of flavours and seems harmless. But in the long run, they point out to me, it can be counterproductive to what they call defence culture or defence awareness.  

But then, who talks to Spanish society about relevant military matters? Aware of the issue at hand, the Defence Minister, Judge Robles, reluctantly monopolises the heavy burden of attending to the media, which leads her to appear frequently in television pictures and radio news giving statements. But only for a few minutes at a time... and then only if she has to. A great sacrifice that he carries with a smile on his face. 

The place where the Margarita cocktail is served seems to be in the centre of Madrid. I am told that it is located on Paseo de la Castellana. They say it's just beyond number 101, although there are differences of opinion. There are suspicions that the super secret ingredient of the mysterious cocktail is manufactured in Moncloa and transported in isothermal trucks to a building near the Santiago Bernabéu stadium. 

For the patients of the Margarita combination, there are very few substances that can counteract its effects, but not all of them. High-ranking military commanders who need to become visible again and regain the ability to speak have to drink a concoction that only a laboratory located near the Real Madrid stadium is authorised to dispense. When taken, it reduces the amount of Margarita in the blood, but only for a very limited time. 

I am assured that a new antibody has been developed only a few weeks ago, the result of a long process of pharmacological R+D+i. Following the fashion for feminine names and to match Margarita, the treatment has been given the name Mari Jose. On 24 January, the feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron saint of journalists, the new antidote was tested in fusion with a tasty dish of migas (fried breadcrumbs) in the Aragonese style. I am told it turned out to be a fiasco, although hope is the last thing to be lost.