What impudence, what shamelessness, what infamy! It cannot be tolerated that any Spaniard should distrust one iota the word given by President Pedro Sánchez, the man who does not know what it is to lie, who has never deceived his own or strangers and who was not the discoverer of America because he was overtaken by Christopher Columbus.
To maintain that the chief executive lacks the slightest credibility is the result of the resentment of those who have a grudge against a hero of his stature, who is 6'4" tall. Every pore of his body exudes punditry and formality and, above all, he is faithful to what he says he will do in the run-up to an election.
A person who abides strictly by everything he promises, the clearest example of his integrity and rigour was made clear when he actively and passively stated that he would not grant a pardon to the Catalan separatist leaders tried, convicted and imprisoned for the political and economic outrages they committed in their attempt to gain independence for the Autonomous Community of Catalonia. He received pressure from his government partners, but did not grant the pardon, or did he?
His efforts to govern by doing good have earned him countless displays of affection and unwavering support from his supporters in the towns he visits. In particular, he is famous for the acclamations lavished on him by the residents of the Spanish capital during his unescorted strolls through the streets of the poorest neighbourhoods, which he takes advantage of to greet the good and credulous people.
His almost daily escapades allow him to see firsthand the growing prosperity and low level of indebtedness that Spaniards enjoy thanks to his progressive policy of progress. It is well known that until he became Prime Minister, most Spaniards went hungry, lived in the open and were practically illiterate. This is something that could be confirmed with its customary reliability by the Centro de Investigaciones Sociológicas (CIS) chaired by the socialist sociologist José Félix Tezanos.
Pedro studied, studied and studied, became a man of profit and took advantage of all the unwary he met along the way. He threw those who overshadowed him off the cliff and now lives his life dedicated to bringing paradise on earth and maximum happiness to the Spanish people. Well, not to everyone, just to those who belong to his own circle and to those who have him by the... to survive in the seat of La Moncloa and continue to occupy the first seat on the blue bench of the Congress.
But where the president is at his best is listening to the cheers, applause and Gregorian chants that are lavished on him at the rallies organised by the party of which he is lord and master. There he receives countless displays of fervour and gratitude from those who owe him a well-paid position in the local, provincial, regional or national administration, have been appointed to regional parliaments, to the national Congress and Senate and, above all, to the highly remunerated positions of flower-pot presidents in companies and institutions of high standing.
His recent announcement on housing is far from being an electioneering ploy to attract votes in the local and regional elections scheduled for 28 May. As it comes free of charge, the president has once again pledged his word that he will finance 43,000 new public housing units for social rent at affordable prices, in addition to the 50,000 announced a few days earlier. In total 93,000, among which it is not known whether the two flats he owns and which are supposed to be unoccupied, since his official residence is the Palacio de La Moncloa, are included.
The plumbers in Madrid's Calle Ferraz and the advisors of BATAPLOF, the Moncloa Palace's Battalion of Advisors, are doing their best to lend credibility to Sánchez's words. As Spaniards have seen through his feather duster, an insider in the BATAPLOF has whispered to me that the next thing the president is going to announce is the delivery of a coupon for a draw for 100,000 furnished flats on the beach, as many cars and pata negra hams. The beneficiaries will be those who can reliably prove that they have deposited the appropriate ballot paper in the corresponding ballot boxes.
But there are no limits to the iniquity towards President Sánchez. They even reproach him for taking any plane or helicopter of the Spanish Air Force to travel on official visits or on the occasion of bowling events organised by his political party. Those who accuse him of wastefulness are unaware that he uses French Falcon jets and French Super Puma helicopters out of deference to President Emmanuel Macron.
But the main reason for discarding the car and using the air is to favour military pilots, who thus accumulate hours of flight time that, if not carried out thanks to their magnanimity, could be vilified and burned at the "Bonfire of the Vanities". Sanchez has read the novel by the great American journalist Tom Wolf, which director Brian De Palma brought to the screen in 1990 with Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis, Melanie Griffith and Morgan Freeman in starring roles.
A classmate of the president's when he was studying at the Ramiro de Maeztu Secondary School in Madrid has told me that the young Pedro Sánchez came to consider whether to opt for the contemplative life and become a Carthusian monk or a career military man. It seems that he was inclined to discipline, but as long as he was the prior of the convent or the head of the military unit.
My interlocutor tells me that Peter refused to enter as a novice when he learned that women were not allowed to enter the doors of male cloistered convents. And he backed out when he found out that he had to bend his elbows to get into any officer or NCO academy by competitive examination. He was also influenced by his disdain for the human values practised in the Armed Forces and the Guardia Civil: love of country, comradeship, spirit of service, honour, loyalty, spirit of sacrifice and commitment to one's word.
In short, I fail to understand how there are Spaniards who do not kiss the ground Pedro Sánchez walks on. Perhaps it is because they are afraid of being infected by pathogens. That is why I encourage the president to take off his shoes and socks, at least on one foot, in his public appearances.
That way, as shown by the British comedians Monty Python in the 1979 feature film "Life of Brian", brandishing one of his shoes aloft, he would have many more millions of followers and multiply the number of his voters.
One final recommendation. Mr Sánchez, use a good deodorant to keep your bare feet dry and to avoid the smell of rancid cheese, especially during your long speeches in the speakers' gallery in Congress. Although President Meritxell Batet laughs her thanks, I am told that she has overdeveloped olfactory glands and could suffer a syncope due to the aromatic effluvia of her pinrel in the air, couldn't she?