- Knock, knock!
- Come in Oscar, sit down and speak!
- You will say son of heaven, beloved leader. Here's an admirer, a friend, a slave, a servant.
- We're going to raze what I'm going to tell you!
- You are already sending a note from me to all our militancy so that they start preparing.
- And talk to Fernandito Grande-Marlaska so that he drafts a Royal Decree or whatever it's called, addressed to all our comrades of the local and district groups... you know what I mean. He should turn our affiliates into Auxiliary Joint Officials of the Ministry of the Interior, which has already been invented since Germany in the 1930's. We will call them FUMANCHÚ, and we will put a cap on them, to impress.
- The Royal Decree must say something like: "its purpose is to give maximum transparency to the results of the next municipal and regional elections" Take notes, Óscar! "Therefore, polling stations will be set up with tables called "petitorias"...".
- I'll spell it for you Oscar. It is spelled pe-ti-to-ri-as, with P. Tables to which "all those called to the polls before casting their vote will have to go on a voluntary basis". And it adds. "In order to guarantee order, the aforementioned polling stations will be guarded by the FUMANCHÚ".
- But...
- There's no buts about it... Just take notes!
- At these tables, on your left, there will be a pile of ballot papers on which each voter, including children...
- But not the children...
- Shut up and take notes!
- We will call them Victory Ballots but, to disguise it, their official name will be "Ballot Papers for Democracy", although among us they will be called PAVOPLOF. As I was saying, these ballots will contain what I am going to tell you right now, which is the bomb.
- Whatever you say, President, I am your faithful servant.
- Oscar, this is very simple. Well, at least for me. Keep in mind that I have a doctorate in economics... Let's get back to the point. Anyone who is going to vote must first go to the petition table and ask - hence the name - for what they want from the list.
- Which list?
- Calm down Óscar, from the list you are going to prepare and from which each Spaniard will be able to choose only one thing, what do you think? The FUMANCHÚ will put them in line and each one will be able to ask for a flat on the beach, a yacht, a week's stay in a resort in Cancún for four people, with flights and expenses included. The relationship will continue with an outboard motorboat, an Italian sports car, a set of Louis Mouton suitcases...
- President, a similar scene seems to me to have been filmed by Luis García Berlanga in the early 50s in...
- Shut up, jinx! It just occurred to me. It's an idea that can only come from a clear mind like mine. Take note! To convince the breeders, who are very angry with us, we will promise them stallions; and to the anti-bullfighting people we will say that we are going to put an end to stallions as breeders of fighting bulls.
- President, but you just told me a moment ago that?
- You don't understand, Oscar, just take note of...
- Ah! We will tell the farmers in the Doñana area that we are going to release millions of litres of water from the fire-fighting planes and we will convince the environmental associations that we are not going to allow the farmers to irrigate with the liquid element. And to get the votes of the girls who cry for raped hens, we will pass a law banning the eating of meat and drinking chicken broth. Tell Pilar Llop to prepare it.
- But...
- Just point it out...
- And on all television and radio stations, at 8.30 p.m., between now and the elections, a communiqué will be broadcast in a deep, sonorous voice, appropriate for the great occasion: Spaniards! His Excellency the President of the Government is going to speak.
- And what will you say?
- Oscar, don't ask me those questions. I will say that as your president, I owe you an explanation! And as I owe you an explanation, I am going to give it to you!
- To me that still reminds me of a Luis García film...
- And come on! It's an original idea of mine. Keep pointing, Ah! I forgot!
- You have to set up a strategic operation in the style of Amadís de Gaula. You will send heralds on horseback through all the villages, dressed in helmet and duster, and preceded by trumpets and fifes, which always give a touch of distinction. Once in the town square, they will say... By order of the president, it is made known that...!
- Well, Oscar, with what I've told you and whatever you include of your own... sports bikes, beach balls, computers and everything else you can think of, we've won by a landslide in the May elections.
- Mmmm, Oscar, there's one thing that's really bothering me. I have to confide in you. Promise me you won't tell anyone, not even Félix Bolaños, and much less Yolanda Díaz, who gets on my nerves every time she goes to the hairdresser's and comes to ask me: Do you like,president? Do I look cute?
- Look, there's one thing that keeps me awake at night. When I go to Washington and on 12 May I am received at the White House by President Joe Biden, what shall I say to him to make a good impression and make him think to himself, "This Pedro is a champion out of the ordinary! Remember, Oscar, that when I assaulted him in the middle of the NATO lobby in Brussels, he paid me no heed and I was the laughing stock of my close and fraternal friends in the Alliance who love and admire me so much.
- Beloved President, with the exquisite English you speak, I would say something elegant, fine and, above all, original. Let me think...
-- What, what, tell me, Oscar!
- To let him know of your very high intellectual level, I would recite the beginning of the poem that Pepe Isbert spat in the middle of the Villar del Rio square to the driver of the bulldozer.
- Tell me now, Óscar, you've got me on tenterhooks!
- Well, raising my right hand, I would say... Oh, noble American people...! And then I'd put a bullfighter's hat on Biden's head. That'll win him over, I'm sure.
