What about us? Amnesty also for wrongdoers, scoundrels and crooks
Delimiro, "el Metralleta", who claims to be the secretary general of the Federal Progressive Platform of Scoundrels, Scoundrels and Miscreants, has sent me a letter. In it he tells me of the enormous displeasure of the members of his organisation at having been forgotten by the Justice Commission of the Congress of Deputies in the drafting of the so-called Amnesty Law.
As a capo representing the tens of thousands of honest discontinuers, he urges me to vindicate the immense social work carried out by the members of the Federal Progressive Platform of Scoundrels, Crooks and Miscreants. However, he reminds me that they suffer repression and prison sentences after being tried and convicted for the simple fact that they have been shown to be friends of others.
Delimiro, "el Metralleta" - who tells me he is called this because of his fast talking, not for anything else - asks me to disseminate the contents of his letter, in a desperate attempt to include in the Amnesty Law a package of measures similar to those that will cleanse the dust and chaff from the Catalan separatist political leaders convicted, indicted or about to be indicted for serious crimes. Also, those who committed alleged terrorist acts in October 2019 in Barcelona's Urquinaona square and Tsunami Democratic at El Prat Airport.
What a loving father of a family like Delimiro, "el Metralleta", wants is to revoke the open judicial processes or the sentences of deprivation of liberty in which many of his affiliates are immersed. He wants them to be reintegrated with honours into the society that, without any consideration whatsoever, put them behind bars against their will for assaulting, stealing, forging or injuring strangers, to name but a few of the trifles for which they are mercilessly repressed.
So, without further ado, without knowing for certain whether the letter is apocryphal or not, I reproduce the literal text of the letter, which reads as follows:
"To the President of the Spanish Government, to the members of the Spanish Congress and, in particular, to the members of its Justice Committee and to its chairman, the Socialist Member of Parliament for Murcia, Francisco Lucas. My lords and gentlemen, what about us?
A decalogue of demands
"In my capacity as the maximum leader of the Federal Progressive Platform of Scoundrels, Scoundrels and Rogues, I convey to the PSOE and the parties that fervently embrace the designs of President Pedro Sánchez our enthusiasm, joy and satisfaction at the imminent approval by the plenary of the Congress of the so-called Amnesty Law.
It is a legal norm that the ministers Félix Bolaños (Presidency and Justice), Pilar Alegría (Government spokesperson), Fernando Grande-Marlaska (Interior) and the delicately spoken Óscar Puente (Transport), as well as the PSOE spokespersons, Patxi López and Esther Peña, describe as impeccable and respectful of the Constitution. Agreed with light and stenographers - sorry, my secretary tells me that no, it has been done quietly -, it will allow the Catalan separatists who have been convicted, indicted or are about to be indicted to boast to friends and strangers about what just a few hours before were crimes.
And what about us? I repeat loudly! Although we are progressive, because we make progress with every robbery or theft we carry out, our members weep with tears for the abandonment we suffer from your mercies. At great personal risk we steal, rob, mug and rob people, occupy and plunder houses, flats, villas, townhouses, factories and workshops, a social task of democratic distribution of wealth that is a hard sacrifice for us. On the other hand, the payment we receive from the public authorities is anti-democratic and repressive.
Our members, who are also counterfeiters, corrupt, rapists, hitmen, arms and drug traffickers, put their lives at risk every day to put a piece of bread in the mouths of their wives and children. In the light of the above and always seeking to facilitate coexistence, reconciliation and reunion to heal wounds between our honest discontinuers and the population in general, in my capacity as the maximum leader of the Federal Progressive Platform of Scoundrels, Scoundrels and Malefactors, I demand and demand that the Honourable Members that:
1.- In the text of the Amnesty Law that is being drafted for the Catalan separatists who have been convicted or indicted, a general amnesty urbi et orbe be included for our members and sympathisers who have already been convicted or are in the process of being convicted.
2.- Among the measures of grace, judges, magistrates, police and civil guards must show public repentance for persecuting and repressing the social work that we have been carrying out since the beginning of time.
With the music of Pedro Navaja
3.- One or more referendums should be called to eliminate from the Penal Code the crimes against property, until the result is favourable to our interests, which are none other than to continue our work of plundering the citizens, but in a democratic way.
4.- The parties that make up the current coalition government must, as soon as possible, include representatives of our Platform in the zip lists of the electoral candidates.
5.- The national and autonomous figure of the Defender of the Honourable Discontinuous will be created, in order to establish ways of understanding, concord and reconciliation.
6.- The Council of Ministers will launch a Strategic Project for Economic Recovery and Transformation, PERTE, with a view to improving the capacity to democratically transfer belongings from one to another, without any payment or commitment on the part of the new holders.
7.- The release of the members of the Platform will be carried out to the accompaniment of a band and music and, if possible, to the tune of "Pedro Navaja", which brings back so many memories for many of us.
8.- The Executive will have to apply the K-factor - Kace what it wants - so that in each Court of Justice one or more representatives of our Platform will be included by hand, whose vote will be decisive.
9.- The entrances to the Courts of Justice should not requisition from our members or sympathisers the bladed weapons, truncheons or firearms for individual use that we use in self-defence.
10.- The Minister of Finance, María Jesús Montero, will grant a large financial compensation to our members who have been released from prison, as compensation for the unjust years they have spent in jail, when in reality they were fulfilling a social function worthy of praise.
I place myself at the disposal of the deputy Santos Cerdán, who has been the fixer of the Amnesty Law in favour of Carles Puigdemont and his honest discontinuers, and if the government of President Pedro Sánchez complies with our decalogue of reasonable measures, I bear Bambi as witness that we will know how to reward him.
As my name is Delimiro, the Metralleta, I will take it upon myself to recommend to our affiliates and supporters to vote in the next municipal, regional, national and European elections to the political groups that have sponsored and voted for an Amnesty Law that includes our democratic demands. I reiterate: And why can we not be covered by the Amnesty Law? Without further ado
Signature illegible
P.S. The following are adhered to the Federal Progressive Platform of Scoundrels, Scoundrels and Malefactors: the Interterritorial Committee of Miscreants, Thieves and Corrupts; the Solidarity Union of Delinquents, Gangsters and Ruffians; the State Grouping of Filibusters; the Association of Embezzlers of Public Funds; the Federation of Criminals, Hitmen and Terrorists; the Collective of White Slave Traffickers, Drug Traffickers and Rapists, although the latter have already received their compensation through the Law of the Only Yes is Yes".
END OF LETTER
By the way, I like fruit, very, very, very, very much!